02.04.23 // variety.com
Papa Musk wants to charge businesses on Twitter $1,000 per month to keep that blue verified mark
Some people say Twitter is failing. But those dullards don't realize that Daddy Musk is the master of failing upward. He's gonna succeed in securing corporate subscriptions for that sweet Twitter blue.
02.02.23 // techcrunch.com
Twitter to end free access to its API in Musk's latest monetization push
Money doesn't grow on trees. It grows on API access. And Papa Musk is gonna milk this bird for all the money that its free-range speech can muster.
01.27.23 // www.businessinsider.com
Leaked internal message appears to show Daddy Musk ordered suspension of left-wing activist's account
I know what you're thinking: "This is looking a lot like Musk maybe isn't a centrist." But quash that thought, mi amigo. Musk described himself politically as "somewhere in the middle." And no amount of deplatforming lefties can negate that.
01.24.23 // theintercept.com
In coordination with India government, Papa Musk removes from Twitter a BBC documentary critical of Indian PM Narendra Modi
When India's Ministry of Information and Broadcasting says a BBC documentary about Modi's role in a genocidal 2002 massacre is "hostile propaganda and anti-India garbage," Papa Musk doesn't ask questions. He dunks that journalistic garbage right into the trash bin.
01.13.23 // www.theverge.com
Twitter allegedly shuts down third-party Twitter apps
If you're gonna get your piping hot free speech from anyone, it better damn well be from an official Twitter app. Can't have these disgusting third-party Twitter apps providing access to content. No siree!
01.13.23 // www.wsj.com
Twitter offers free ads as it seeks to woo brands back to its platform
Ay bb glad you're here! 😘 VIP page for full access to all of my marketing and advertising, & no PPV wall! Don't have snap.😜 please don't ask me for more free ads.🙏💋
01.11.23 // www.nbcwashington.com
Twitter bans official Metrobus account with no explanation.
You bus believe that ain't allowed in these parts.
01.10.23 // tech.co
Musk Daddy fires Twitter staff policing hate speech and misinformation
You know how a healthy forest requires routine controlled burns? That's what this is. It's a controlled burn of Twitter's global content moderation team, leaving behind a scorched earth from which free speech will blossom.
01.09.23 // www.rollingstone.com
Moderate Musk fired Brazil Twitter's election misinfo moderation team
Yes, a Brazilian Supreme Court Judge in 2020 compelled Brazil Twitter to block 16 accounts accused of disseminating false information. And yes, in Nov. 2022, Musk fired the entire Brazil Twitter staff, including those moderating content for incitement of violence and misinformation. But it's not like thousands will storm Brazil's Congress over false claims of a stolen election, right?
01.09.23 // www.washingtontimes.com
Twitter suspends Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene's account, just months after her access was restored
Freedom of speech is one thing, but copyright law is another. And Rep. Green just had a crash course on what it means to commit a copyright violation, by tweeting a video of herself walking the halls of Congress to the beat of "Still D.R.E."
01.07.23 // www.nbcnews.com
On Musk's Twitter, users looking to sell and trade child sex abuse material are still easily found
Daddy Musk said on November 20, 2022, that child exploitation on Twitter was "Priority #1." But he never clarified what he was prioritizing about it. So, you know, maybe this is a win.
01.06.23 // gizmodo.com
Germany warns Musk Daddy of breaking EU misinformation laws on Twitter
Yes, maybe Germany and other EU members have quote-unquote "clear rules" against illegal content and misinformation. But listen: you can't spell misinformation without information, okay? Papa Musk can't be blamed because some dummy decided to attach three insignificant letters to the front of information and suddenly it's against the law.
01.06.23 // www.einnews.com
Twitter loses attempt to shut down landmark free speech case in Canadian court
Ha ha! You expect me to believe that Twitter -- the world's public forum built upon the literal skeleton of America's free speech forefathers -- tried to throw out a free speech lawsuit? Get real. Next you'll tell me that Musk's father had a second child with Musk's father's stepdaughter. Ha ha!
01.05.23 // www.washingtonpost.com
Twitter Blue not actually verifying IDs, despite Papa Musk claiming otherwise
It's like journalists love to ruin things on purpose by pointing out what's broken. Like, get a life -- and stop seeing every Musk-related problem through the myopic lens of your own self-worth. If someone wants to impersonate a US senator, who gives a shit? Free speech, baby!
01.04.23 // techcrunch.com
Twitter is set to reverse its 2019 political ad ban to bolster up its revenue
These woke activist groups keep driving away Twitter advertisers. Well, fuck 'em. Daddy Musk has other sources from which to suckle. He's bringing back them sweet, sweet political dollars. Freedom of speech means freedom to (pay to) reach!
12.31.22 // www.ndtv.com
Musk Daddy Becomes First Person Ever To Lose $200 Billion
earn 2 yearn
Boom -- mic drop! Break out the champagne and gold medals! Daddy Musk is so goddamn sacrificial in his constant pursuit of free speech that this guy yet again broke another world record. Because that's what winners do: they break records. What a champion.
12.29.22 // www.politifact.com
PolitiFact reminds us that Monsieur Musk said his commitment to free speech extended "even to not banning the account following my plane"
hot & cold
Remember that? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And let's be real: Papa Musk's sweat glands are producing so much hot liquid free speech that it's impossible for him not to absolutely and totally flop on his free speech commitments. The dude literally needs to expel free speech in order to live.
12.28.22 // twitter.com
Daddy Musk declares he isn't "brainwashed!!" by visually criticizing a large swathe of ideological, religious, and social speech
Y'all ever seen that meme of the newspaper article titled "Old Man Yells At Cloud"? Ha ha! So funny. Anyway, the woke mobs must be seething from Big Dog Musk pwn'ing them so hard. Learn 2 Free Speech, scrubs!
12.27.22 // www.aol.com
M'Elon Musk claims SEC is violating his right to free speech by enforcing a fraud settlement that he accepted
Listen: Musk can tweet whatever the fuck he wants to tweet. That's his God-given right as a natural-born American. If he wants to falsely tweet to have the "funding secured" to take Tesla private, then no anti-market manipulation agency can stop him, even if he consented to the fraud settlement in 2018.
12.24.22 // www.reuters.com
Grandpa Musk restores suicide prevention feature on Twitter
tee hee oops
Y'all gotta stop bullying Opa Musk into making content moderation decisions. This fucking bird is free. It's F-R-E-E. So stop it. Let the figuratively poor man do whatever he wants.
12.24.22 // www.theverge.com
Twitter now prioritizes paying users in conversations
Honestly, who wants to hear what the unpaying have to say? Press Baron Papa Musk understands that money is speech and those paying have the most important things to say. The rest can shout their broke-ass thoughts into the algorithmic void.
12.24.22 // mobile.twitter.com
Twitter account @ElonJetNextDay
hidden in search results as sensitive content
Self-harm content is content, but we gotta draw a line somewhere. And Opa Musk drew that line at delayed tracking of his jet. Can you imagine if the soft Twitter users could easily view such disgusting content? Won't someone think of the children!?
12.23.22 // www.reuters.com
Macabre Musk allegedly orders removal of Twitter suicide prevention feature
Is it inappropriate to make a joke about self harm? Yes -- a hundred percent. Which is why Papa Musk is dead serious: self-harm content is still content. And the content must flow.
12.23.22 // www.dw.com
German officials say Twitter poses threat to free speech under Papa Musk
The fuck these governmental gatekeepers know about free speech? They ain't even American like Daddy Musk! You literally can't understand free speech without the First Amendment.
12.22.22 // theintercept.com
Sir Musk still silencing journalists he banned from Twitter
You kink-shaming dullards need to let my man Musk savor in the editorial silence. Maybe he gets off on unblocking journalists yet still locking them out of their accounts, okay? It's power play, baby!
12.21.22 // www.independent.co.uk
Musk Daddy admits suspending Mastodon links was a mistake: "Yeah, fucking post Mastodon all goddamn day long, I don't care"
Hear that? He's sorry, okay? And yes -- maybe he was a little aggressive in how he worded the apology. And yes -- maybe he took no responsibility for his prior actions. But his astrological sign is Cancer, okay? He can't help it.
12.20.22 // www.rollingstone.com
Emperor Muskatine may allow some paying users to algorithmically silence others
Fee speech is the more lucrative cousin of free speech.
12.20.22 // www.foxbusiness.com
To promote free speech, Daddy Musk floats instituting a poll tax for future policy votes
Don't you dare @ him with your Marxist economic struggles. If you can't open your wallet, you can't open your mouth. Musk's bringing back the golden era of Breedlove v. Suttles, 302 U.S. 277.
12.18.22 // twitter.com
Father Musk threatens "be careful what you wish for" after Musk-created poll shows he should step down as CEO
gaslight my life
The userbase dolts don't know how good they have it. Musk's making these menacing remarks alongside his public poll because he loves you.
12.18.22 // www.cnn.com
To promote free speech, Twitter no longer supports content linking to Facebook, Instagram, Mastodon, Truth Social, Tribel, Nostr, and Post
Twitter's love language is censorship.
12.18.22 // thehill.com
UN human rights chief calls on Musk to respect free speech -- as if he isn't already
Apparently the UN High Commissioner of Human Rights likes to spout redundancies, like calling for Opa Musk to respect free speech. What's next -- he'll ask Musk to breathe or eat!? Ha ha!
12.18.22 // www.washingtonpost.com
Washington Post journalist banned from Twitter for requesting an interview with Elon Musk
The fuck. Just because you have a lanyard and a sense of editorial integrity doesn't mean you can ask Daddy Musk for a moment of his time. Deplatformed.
12.17.22 // thehill.com
MyPillow CEO thanks Big Man Musk for reactivating his Twitter account and immediately demands electronic voting machines be melted down to be turned into prison bars
Honestly, what America's economy needs right now is more menial prison labor. It's basically inflation-proof.
12.17.22 // thehill.com
Press Baron Papa Musk reinstates journalists he previously banned
Would an authoritarian power structure allow a single person to ban and then reinstate journalists on a whim? Didn't think so.
12.17.22 // www.ndtv.com
Twitter suspends Indian rival platform Koo's query handle
koo story bro
True democracy requires pruning out the competition.
12.16.22 // www.bloomberg.com
Twitter disables Twitter Spaces function after Elon Musk clashes with banned journalists who could still join Twitter Spaces
In Twitter Spaces, no one can hear you freedom of speech.
12.16.22 // techcrunch.com
Twitter suspends open source competitor Mastodon and bans links to Mastodon servers
Hey! Mighty Musk sees you over there. Mastodon't you dare come round skanking up these parts. Shoo. Shoo!
12.15.22 // www.reddit.com
Twitter community supports unbanning journalists in Musk-created Twitter poll, only for Musk to delete poll, create a new one, and have community again support unbanning journalists
Okay -- let's take a breather. Musky Musk is a man of the people. He's going to listen to what you have to -- oh wait he just didn't give a shit. Ha ha! So moderate!
12.15.22 // apnews.com
Twitter suspends journalists who wrote about Elon Musk, which is concerning "but not surprising"
Am I taking crazy pills!? Musk Daddy said no sharing location information and these dumbass journalists did exactly that by covering the story. Deplatformed.
12.14.22 // theintercept.com
Twitter enacts policy forbidding users from sharing "information that would reveal a person's location," despite Twitter itself collecting and using users' location information
you get feedom
Let's get one thing straight: data isn't speech. No matter what SCOTUS said in Sorrell v. IMS Health, Inc., 564 U.S. 552.
12.13.22 // twitter.com
Twitter allegedly no longer allows Ukrainian numbers to verify a Twitter account
and you get freedom
Freedom of speech isn't freedom to reach an active warzone. Comrade Reeve Musk ain't rushin' into diplomatic issues like proposing a peace plan or sending telecommunications equipment to Ukraine. He's above that bullshit.
12.12.22 // www.newsweek.com
Video emerges on Twitter of Elon Musk booed on stage with Dave Chapelle; Twitter account posting video is terminated
Legal comedy is about confined laughing. It's safe. Musk Daddy ain't here for them out-of-bound boos. Deplatformed.
12.09.22 // www.msn.com
Elon Musk shadowbans Twitter account that tracked Elon Musk's private jet, despite prior commitment not to ban the account
What sort of psychopath tracks the carbon footprint of the hyper wealthy? Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom to creep. Ew.
12.02.22 // www.nytimes.com
Twitter suspends Kanye West's account, citing violation of rule against "incitement to violence"
In a final death rattle for help, aged musician goes full tilt antisemitism.
12.02.22 // twitter.com
Elon Musk announces anti-"freedom of reach" policy to stifle exposure of certain speech
Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom of reach. I can't come into your house unannounced to aggressively read Keats as you're disrobing. That's absurd. I have to do it from outside your window where you can see my lips moving but can't hear what I'm saying.
12.01.22 // pitchfork.com
Edith Frost banned from Twitter for posting satirical impersonations of Elon Musk
free free free
Satire is literally parody. Uncle Musk already laid down the rules for impersonations. Either adopt or get ejected.
11.28.22 // www.themarysue.com
Twitter suspends account for CrimethInc
Come the fuck on -- I've read 1984. Thought crime is a literal crime. Praise to Papa Musk for deplatforming them. Read a book.
11.26.22 // www.dailydot.com
Twitter suspends accounts for antifascist researcher Chad Loder and Colorado Springs Anti-Fascists
Free speech doesn't mean we have to tolerate antifascist discussions. I heard they sent immigrants to vaccinate our parents.
11.22.22 // newrepublic.com
Twitter suspends account of Elm Fork John Brown Gun Club
Smell that? It's the Musk of another woke organization falling wayside to the endless march of free speech. Get above board or get ground underneath.
11.14.22 // www.theverge.com
Elon Musk fires Twitter engineer who corrected him on Twitter
Listen: free speech doesn't mean you can call out Papa Musk in front of his peers. We're more civilized than that.
11.06.22 // twitter.com
Elon Musk announces policy to permanently suspend any "Twitter handles engaging in impersonation without clearly specifying 'parody'"
To clarify the delineation for the plebs in the back, Musk Daddy announces policy requiring comedic Twitter impersonations to disclose "parody." Now, we have legal comedy over here and infringing comedy over there. Nice and tidy.
11.06.22 // time.com
Twitter suspends account of h3h3 Productions for impersonating Elon Musk
Oop -- h3h3 Productions done muffed up by not following Musk Daddy's super clear policy on appropriate and comedic free speech. Ha ha!
11.06.22 // deadline.com
Twitter suspends account of Kathy Griffin for impersonating Elon Musk
Kathy Griffin? More like Kathy Griff-out! Elon continues his reign of scouring the shire for rulebreakers.
11.06.22 // www.thedailybeast.com
Twitter suspends account of Jeph Jacques, Chris Kluwe, and Rich Sommer for impersonating Elon Musk, despite prior announcement of comedy being "legal on Twitter"
turn me elon
Okay. Well. Legal comedy apparently doesn't include certain satire, as Musk Daddy brings the ban hammer down on comedians for impersonating him. But they probably deserved it.
10.28.22 // twitter.com
Elon Musk announces that comedy is "legal on Twitter"
Marking the start of Elon Musk's unquenchable love for free speech, Musk Daddy announces that comedy is now "legal" on Twitter. The bird is free!