Some people say Twitter is failing. But those dullards don't realize that Daddy Musk is the master of failing upward. He's gonna succeed in securing corporate subscriptions for that sweet Twitter blue.

Money doesn't grow on trees. It grows on API access. And Papa Musk is gonna milk this bird for all the money that its free-range speech can muster.

I know what you're thinking: "This is looking a lot like Musk maybe isn't a centrist." But quash that thought, mi amigo. Musk described himself politically as "somewhere in the middle." And no amount of deplatforming lefties can negate that.

When India's Ministry of Information and Broadcasting says a BBC documentary about Modi's role in a genocidal 2002 massacre is "hostile propaganda and anti-India garbage," Papa Musk doesn't ask questions. He dunks that journalistic garbage right into the trash bin.

If you're gonna get your piping hot free speech from anyone, it better damn well be from an official Twitter app. Can't have these disgusting third-party Twitter apps providing access to content. No siree!

Ay bb glad you're here! 😘 VIP page for full access to all of my marketing and advertising, & no PPV wall! Don't have snap.😜 please don't ask me for more free ads.🙏💋

You bus believe that ain't allowed in these parts.

You know how a healthy forest requires routine controlled burns? That's what this is. It's a controlled burn of Twitter's global content moderation team, leaving behind a scorched earth from which free speech will blossom.

Yes, a Brazilian Supreme Court Judge in 2020 compelled Brazil Twitter to block 16 accounts accused of disseminating false information. And yes, in Nov. 2022, Musk fired the entire Brazil Twitter staff, including those moderating content for incitement of violence and misinformation. But it's not like thousands will storm Brazil's Congress over false claims of a stolen election, right?

Freedom of speech is one thing, but copyright law is another. And Rep. Green just had a crash course on what it means to commit a copyright violation, by tweeting a video of herself walking the halls of Congress to the beat of "Still D.R.E."

Daddy Musk said on November 20, 2022, that child exploitation on Twitter was "Priority #1." But he never clarified what he was prioritizing about it. So, you know, maybe this is a win.

Yes, maybe Germany and other EU members have quote-unquote "clear rules" against illegal content and misinformation. But listen: you can't spell misinformation without information, okay? Papa Musk can't be blamed because some dummy decided to attach three insignificant letters to the front of information and suddenly it's against the law.

Ha ha! You expect me to believe that Twitter -- the world's public forum built upon the literal skeleton of America's free speech forefathers -- tried to throw out a free speech lawsuit? Get real. Next you'll tell me that Musk's father had a second child with Musk's father's stepdaughter. Ha ha!

It's like journalists love to ruin things on purpose by pointing out what's broken. Like, get a life -- and stop seeing every Musk-related problem through the myopic lens of your own self-worth. If someone wants to impersonate a US senator, who gives a shit? Free speech, baby!

These woke activist groups keep driving away Twitter advertisers. Well, fuck 'em. Daddy Musk has other sources from which to suckle. He's bringing back them sweet, sweet political dollars. Freedom of speech means freedom to (pay to) reach!

Boom -- mic drop! Break out the champagne and gold medals! Daddy Musk is so goddamn sacrificial in his constant pursuit of free speech that this guy yet again broke another world record. Because that's what winners do: they break records. What a champion.

Remember that? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And let's be real: Papa Musk's sweat glands are producing so much hot liquid free speech that it's impossible for him not to absolutely and totally flop on his free speech commitments. The dude literally needs to expel free speech in order to live.

Y'all ever seen that meme of the newspaper article titled "Old Man Yells At Cloud"? Ha ha! So funny. Anyway, the woke mobs must be seething from Big Dog Musk pwn'ing them so hard. Learn 2 Free Speech, scrubs!

Listen: Musk can tweet whatever the fuck he wants to tweet. That's his God-given right as a natural-born American. If he wants to falsely tweet to have the "funding secured" to take Tesla private, then no anti-market manipulation agency can stop him, even if he consented to the fraud settlement in 2018.

Y'all gotta stop bullying Opa Musk into making content moderation decisions. This fucking bird is free. It's F-R-E-E. So stop it. Let the figuratively poor man do whatever he wants.

Honestly, who wants to hear what the unpaying have to say? Press Baron Papa Musk understands that money is speech and those paying have the most important things to say. The rest can shout their broke-ass thoughts into the algorithmic void.

Self-harm content is content, but we gotta draw a line somewhere. And Opa Musk drew that line at delayed tracking of his jet. Can you imagine if the soft Twitter users could easily view such disgusting content? Won't someone think of the children!?

Is it inappropriate to make a joke about self harm? Yes -- a hundred percent. Which is why Papa Musk is dead serious: self-harm content is still content. And the content must flow.

The fuck these governmental gatekeepers know about free speech? They ain't even American like Daddy Musk! You literally can't understand free speech without the First Amendment.

You kink-shaming dullards need to let my man Musk savor in the editorial silence. Maybe he gets off on unblocking journalists yet still locking them out of their accounts, okay? It's power play, baby!

Hear that? He's sorry, okay? And yes -- maybe he was a little aggressive in how he worded the apology. And yes -- maybe he took no responsibility for his prior actions. But his astrological sign is Cancer, okay? He can't help it.

Fee speech is the more lucrative cousin of free speech.

Don't you dare @ him with your Marxist economic struggles. If you can't open your wallet, you can't open your mouth. Musk's bringing back the golden era of Breedlove v. Suttles, 302 U.S. 277.

The userbase dolts don't know how good they have it. Musk's making these menacing remarks alongside his public poll because he loves you.

Twitter's love language is censorship.

Apparently the UN High Commissioner of Human Rights likes to spout redundancies, like calling for Opa Musk to respect free speech. What's next -- he'll ask Musk to breathe or eat!? Ha ha!

The fuck. Just because you have a lanyard and a sense of editorial integrity doesn't mean you can ask Daddy Musk for a moment of his time. Deplatformed.

Honestly, what America's economy needs right now is more menial prison labor. It's basically inflation-proof.

Would an authoritarian power structure allow a single person to ban and then reinstate journalists on a whim? Didn't think so.

True democracy requires pruning out the competition.

In Twitter Spaces, no one can hear you freedom of speech.

Hey! Mighty Musk sees you over there. Mastodon't you dare come round skanking up these parts. Shoo. Shoo!

Okay -- let's take a breather. Musky Musk is a man of the people. He's going to listen to what you have to -- oh wait he just didn't give a shit. Ha ha! So moderate!

Am I taking crazy pills!? Musk Daddy said no sharing location information and these dumbass journalists did exactly that by covering the story. Deplatformed.

Let's get one thing straight: data isn't speech. No matter what SCOTUS said in Sorrell v. IMS Health, Inc., 564 U.S. 552.

Freedom of speech isn't freedom to reach an active warzone. Comrade Reeve Musk ain't rushin' into diplomatic issues like proposing a peace plan or sending telecommunications equipment to Ukraine. He's above that bullshit.

Legal comedy is about confined laughing. It's safe. Musk Daddy ain't here for them out-of-bound boos. Deplatformed.

What sort of psychopath tracks the carbon footprint of the hyper wealthy? Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom to creep. Ew.

In a final death rattle for help, aged musician goes full tilt antisemitism.

Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom of reach. I can't come into your house unannounced to aggressively read Keats as you're disrobing. That's absurd. I have to do it from outside your window where you can see my lips moving but can't hear what I'm saying.

Satire is literally parody. Uncle Musk already laid down the rules for impersonations. Either adopt or get ejected.

Come the fuck on -- I've read 1984. Thought crime is a literal crime. Praise to Papa Musk for deplatforming them. Read a book.

Free speech doesn't mean we have to tolerate antifascist discussions. I heard they sent immigrants to vaccinate our parents.

Smell that? It's the Musk of another woke organization falling wayside to the endless march of free speech. Get above board or get ground underneath.

Listen: free speech doesn't mean you can call out Papa Musk in front of his peers. We're more civilized than that.

To clarify the delineation for the plebs in the back, Musk Daddy announces policy requiring comedic Twitter impersonations to disclose "parody." Now, we have legal comedy over here and infringing comedy over there. Nice and tidy.

Oop -- h3h3 Productions done muffed up by not following Musk Daddy's super clear policy on appropriate and comedic free speech. Ha ha!

Kathy Griffin? More like Kathy Griff-out! Elon continues his reign of scouring the shire for rulebreakers.

Okay. Well. Legal comedy apparently doesn't include certain satire, as Musk Daddy brings the ban hammer down on comedians for impersonating him. But they probably deserved it.

Marking the start of Elon Musk's unquenchable love for free speech, Musk Daddy announces that comedy is now "legal" on Twitter. The bird is free!